My letter to You

You left your things at my place
As if I have all the space
Cause you know I don’t mind
Just come back when you think it’s time

If I were weak again, I would say I really want you back in my life. Tell me you love me and everything will be alright, that this is all just a nightmare, and nothing has changed.

But if I were pissed off, I would tell you ‘Have you lost your friggin mind?’ Don’t leave and tell me you still miss me. HonestlyWTF?

Is this some kind of sick joke to you?

STOP DOING THIS TO ME!

or should i say

I SHOULD STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF!

Why the hell am I letting myself go through bullshits like this. MAN UP STUPID BITCH.

I can never win in this sick game called love.

Like everything I’ve known, you disappeared and left me cold.

This frustration and disappointment building inside of me is driving me insane.

I need to find my ground, stand on my own two feet again.

As hard as you try, I will never be knocked down.

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me.

This time I’m hiding my heart away.

無所謂，真的無所謂。

我很堅強，我不會哭。

你的心，不再是我的。

我撤退，任你造美夢。

愛著你，我還愛著你。

放棄你，因不想逼你。

對你做，最後的遷就。

希望有天，回來愛我。

瞞著你，我會耐心等。

或許那天，不會來臨。

或許我是，傻傻等待。

不會來臨，的那一天。

Dear M,

I woke up heavy hearted this morning. It’s been a long time since i woke up feeling pleasant. As usual my first thought was you. Today was a little different though. I woke up knowing that you left me for good. Sometimes i don’t understand how it could all turn this way. You were my best friend and my supportive system.So many things i wish i could have tell you. Today i saw the video you posted on facebook. There’s a mini cooper in one of the scene. I still remember the game we played. How i wish i was right beside you so i could ‘off’ you. But i guess not. 

Went for breakfast with emily today though. Its a good breakfast. Earliest breakfast for me since high school i guess. I guess you know i am not a morning person. But i do love the mornings though partly cause it cooling and the air is so good. 

Oh, and i joined pilates. I kinda like it. Its the most exercise I’ve got in years. I guess you leaving me isnt such a bad thing after all, cause i kinda kicked myself into doing things I always wanted to try. I pierced my ear too. I bet your face would go all sour and disgusted if you knew. You never really liked me getting any piercings except for my earlobes. But i guess i’m allowed to do that now.

I wish i could tell you all those things. But i guess us not being friends is the better way. I couldn’t imagine pretending to be supportive of your new relationship or being happy for you, that would be too painful for me to endure. Recently, I update my facebook status pretty often, cause i just want you to know what i am doing, hopefully i still stays in your mind. Hopefully when you do check facebook, it would remind you of me. 

Something interesting happened to me today, guess whose the first person i thought of telling to? 

Figures, it was you. Weird though, cause i thought i might get use to not having you around anymore. Since during the relationship we haven’t shared much to each other. Or maybe it was just you. Well, you know about roger right? I’ve told you about him before. My high school friend. Well we went clubbing together the other night, and the girlfriend kind of found out, and really had a big reaction towards it. She sent me a message on facebook today. I was pretty scared to read it at first, cause i thought she’s probably gonna spit all over me, and i hate it when people hates me. Surprisingly, she was just asking for my help to talk to Roger. Asking me to give him advices. I told her i could help (somehow i have a feeling you would have objected if you were still with me) but i did it anyways. Cause i pity her, and i get what she’s going through. She really wanted to make the relationship work. But i found out it was Roger whose changed. He didn’t want the relationship anymore. Same situation like us you know. It was kind of heartbreaking when Roger tells me he doesn’t love her the same way anymore. (that’s probably how you feel about me as well). Anyways, i did try to advice him but I don’t think that made any difference. But i think that made him gave up on courting me. *yay!* Kill two birds with one stone no?

Btw, did you know, Im handling this pretty ok? (weird question, how would you know? haha) I didn’t cry at all since the day we met in Papa Rich. I am pretty proud of myself being a little bit stronger. Though sometimes I feel like breaking down, I force myself to swallow those damn tears. Seeing pictures of you with another girl isn’t that painful for me like it was last time. I guess I gave up on any hope to ever be able to talk to you again. 

I checked the date today, counted the days we haven’t talk to each other. Its only been 9 days. Only 9 days and im starting to feel like its been forever. How can i handle not talking to you forever then? Shit. I seriously need to start getting used to this. 

Its 2.50am now. I guess I better go to bed soon. Tomorrow i’ll be going for lunch at the fish head noodle place in Giza. I wish i could bring you there. I bet you would love the food. Hopefully when i wake up tomorrow I feel better. Mornings are the worst though. But i’ll stay strong and get better each day. Good night. 

Love,

S

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